The Ultimate email

[1Bullet]

THE ULTIMATE EMAIL

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat droppings in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I can't enjoy a good Latte from Starbucks anymore because they WOULD NOT send any coffee to that poor Army Sgt who requested it.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a friend along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer worry about sudden cardiac arrest, since I can now cough
myself back to life instead of wasting time calling 911.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive
my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
when it bites my behind.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I
can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
tommorrow and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician, who is a lawyer.

Have a wonderful day, and you are welcome!!

[fatheralice]

I have had quite a few of those in my mail too

[blknight3]

LOL Every Spam e-mail all summed up in this one
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For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.

[SG1_Fan]

Yep I"ve gotten everyone of them.

[daripper]

Hehehehe LOL!!! man some of those Spam emails are just plain ridiculous
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